Wow what a trip

Home now from Maine and the first things im so amazed with are just that our house feels like a 5 star hotel compared to lake living. It is so nice to be away from these little things that feel like luxuries when you return ...

The bugs, the old toilet, sharing a place with 10 people for almost 3 weeks, no tv, no wifi and limited cell service...

But at the same time, it was amazing. It was beautiful ..

To be in this place I've know my entire life, with my children, and loved ones, 

Waking up to the beautiful, serene image of the lake, surrounded by mountains everywhere, so green. The lake so still and calm. The warmth of pine trees surrounding us and wrapping the cottage up like a blanket. 

I felt safe, I felt open, I felt (I want to write ..free here... But that's not it...) I felt...on edge? Unsure of what to do with myself...

I eventually gave into it and by the last day, I was happy to just spend the day reading by the lake with a cold beer by my side after a long run through the tortuous hills of New England ... Here are some pics of the week...

And then me and the boys also had some nice time away from the cottage as well like here at monhegan island, Maine 

Thank god for family

Spent the afternoon with my sister while all the cousins had a blast being together and getting their energy out at velocity! 

They are all such sweet/ good boys with HUGE hearts ! I love them dearly! 

And it's always great to talk with my sister who is the only person who shares so much of my DNA and understands me and our past - but we don't do it enough..

My little swimmer

Well- I had a wonderful weekend.

Alone with my first born for the first time..

Well, for the first time since his brother has been born ..

He had a swim meet in Augusta - so just he and I ..and my mom and step father- packed up the car and headed to Augusta! Gabe and I in one room and mom and Bucky just down the hall.

And what a great weekend it was.....

The bond and teamwork of the adults,,, getting Gabe to and from his events..finding ok places to eat..and then getting ourselves there - thanks to google maps.,

Was very special! 

The love and support was just awesome !!! 

Every morning they took turns taking Gabe to his warm up sessions - that were VERY early! And just taking away the stress from me - so I could focus on Gabe and just BE with him...be THERE for him. Which so many times, I feel like- I haven't been - to worried about all the other things going on..

Here - I could just focus on Gabe.

There were lots of special moments that really stuck with me..like this moment I caught Gabe and Bucky sharing 

As my mom and I enjoyed a nice walk along the river ! 

In the car coming home- Gabe I think somehow knew I was loosing my carefree- easyness from the weekend and gearing up for getting back home..

And he reached over to me and grabbed my hand ..and just held it..not letting me let go

Getting back home is hard...transition ..etc..

But I wanted to write my memories down so I wouldn't forget just how special this trip felt to me !

Xmas is over

And I feel sad. Not sure why...

It's always such a huge push- so much to do, going going non stop. I'm irritable, snappy, stressed...

Food to cook. Presents to buy and wrap, elves to hide. Parties to attend...

And then it's over. And the past 2 days after x,as we all got sick..and honestly- it was lovely- we did nothing but sat in the house, watched movies, played games..and yes, spent a lot of time on electronics  - but we were together, and relaxed and enjoying it! I a, so thankful for that time,

Tennis

For each of us, it fills a different void.

Or each of us, it becomes like a addiction, once it gets under your skin, you can't get enough. 

It fills so many voids, social, mental and physical 

Every one of us has a different story, hidden secrets tucked away - losses, disappointments, stresses, hurts, loves...

The personality of us- all similar- very physical, very social, very competitive...

Beating away that demon that lurks behind closed doors..whatever it may be 

Busy days ahead

Life is good, life is good.

Life is busy..

But I'm trying to just appreciate how lucky I am and to cherish each day! I ha e always looked back at the past and missed it so,much - the boys getting older, Vermont, etc.

But what I need to do is to embrace where we are right now and love them as much as I can and be as present as I can...because they are still young, and I won't net these times back either.,

Gabes swim meet at park west..he swan up in higher age group and did great!

All the cousins visiting Boobie in the hospital after his stroke 

Brandin and I celebrating my 41st bday!

Oh my baby my bAby

So I'm sitting in bed - doing some work..

The house is silent, thinking I am the only one awake and can get some stuff done..

And my 10year old comes into the room sobbing..

I grab him and embrace him in a huge hug and ask him what's wrong..

And he says..i don't ever want you to die...

One day you will die, and I can't stand it..he says.,,

So I ( gulping back the inner voice saying- wahhhhhhh what do you mean I'm going to die 😬😳😳) ask him what caused this, and he said he was in his room looking at old photo albums of when he was a baby and me holding him, etc..

And - omg!! I was just soooo touched! 

For so long I have felt like...I don't know how to reach out to him, he's so grown up,now...and I miss him so much.

And here he is, so vonerable, 

So instead of just brushing it aside, because physically I am exhausted and was so,excited to finally have some time to myself..

But I crawled into bed with him , and hugged him, talked to him , and listened to him.

He said one of his best memories of us was a time in Vermont when I got in bed with him and sang - you are my sunshine - 

And so , tonight, as I clung to my first born baby boy, I gently sang the words to the sing that my own mother sang a few times to me ...

You are my sunshine

My only sunshine

You make me happy when sky's are grey

You'll never know dear, hiw much I love you 

Please don't take my sunshine away..