LOOKING FOR MYSELF

Getting into the routine somewhat- of having the school day to myself..

I'm going to list my feelings- both positive and negative

POSITIVE:

time to accomplish tasks

time to breath

time to do some things for myself

i am more relaxed

I find that my time with my children is MUCH better

I have so much more to give

i have more time to volunteer in their classroom and go on class trips

I have time to think- to feel- to put myself first

I have time to plan my day as i deem necessary

I am able to cook more

NEGATIVE:

feel lost

feel lonely

feeling like I'm loosing my babies

miss not getting to see them as much

am searching...

To sum it up- I am a better mom now- calmer- I have time- actual time- so I'm not running around stressed and angry all the time- I know I have more to give to everyone (even the fish and our car peach)

and I know that this is the best thing for everyone...

Its just going to be a BIG soul searching time for me..

for the first time- I can listen to my inner voice- take care of myself (something I'm not good at) and find things that fulfill me- I know i need to find my own things- my kids don't want to feel the helicopter parent who is obsessed with them.. I KNOW that- they need a mom who is independent- fulfilled and has a life outside of being "mommy"

but that also scares me- because that is how I defined myself for soooo long

so... I guess for now- USHER is not the only one- looking for myself;0

Shared photo book from erin

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Feeling sad for mommies

I have been feeling a real
Sadness since my youngest went to
Kindegarten and my other son went back to school/ the transition from preschool
To kindergarten has been a big one for me- lots of crying/ sadness
It's a huge transformation and I haven't felt certain if these feelings were legit. .. Could I be okay having such a strong reaction to my youngest starting kindergarten/ but after reading several mothers posts online- its a comment feeling and it makes me so sad for the stay at home mom
I feel like- we give -ALL of ourselves form the formative years- completely giving up our own selves In order to care for our children/ guiding them/ feeding them/ shielding them/ helping then grow into strong independent and grounded human beings.... Only to
Find.. One say/ very quickly: we bundle them up/ and off they march to school / and there gone/ leaving us with all these feelings- who am I? What is my role? Am I good enough?
All these feelings that have been out in the back burner for years in order to care of our children- then in an instant/ off they go to school all day and all of a sudden we are expected to know what we are going to do with all this time( really only about 2 hours more than preschool time) as if we are supposed to bounce right back from years of not listening to ourselves/ caring for others / working ourselves ragged/ and immediately know what we are ready for next. ..
Oh great/ get me going on my next mission ASAP???? WTF??
It's a crazy / strange transformation
And im finding it incredibly difficult
I spend my whole
Life wanting to be a mom/ take care of my babies/ be a wife/ stay at home/
Well
I got
More than I bargained for / moving when they were babies/ being so crazed that I don't feel I fully enjoyed the one very thing that I have always wanted in my life/ I feel
Like I was so sad/ stressed/ etc/ that those beautiful times/ moments just passed in a blur and I missed alot
Of it and it kills me
Now that I'm
Awakening- I'm remorseful/ and my babies are off to school where they spend more time there then at home???
-and I feel
Like society wants me to immediately figure out what I am going to do
Now?? When all I want us that time back :(