9 year old gabe

My baby boy...first born..beautiful child..

Is turning 9 tomorrow.

I'm full of emotion

With Christmas one week away

Going back to Vermont- our home of four years - in a few days

Christmas..

It's alot 

Emotionally I feel packed up 

Like a firecracker ...all these things at once... 

I don't want it to even be recognizable to my son. I want him to feel love...happiness..joy and excitement

I feel like over the 9 years- looking back at pictures of him as a baby- 

Boy have I dropped the ball many times,

Parenthood..- its so tough..

Life- stress - worry- anxiety- loss- 

It really is tough those child rearing years and our beautiful little peeps who start out so young and untouched - un affected by any of it.

Eventually - a they get older- pick up on it all...

And I am so sorry - I'm so sorry my little love -

I'm sorry that I couldn't be more mature , I couldn't work stuff out with your dad behind closed doors, instead of sometimes- right in front of you 

I'm sorry for  any hurt you'll ever experience

I'm sorry if I hovered to much

I'm sorry if I am terrible at patience

Terrible at homework 

Becoming a mother was the best thing that has ever happened to me..and I have grown and learned so much about myself, my parents, people..

But I just wish my babies didn't have to go through that journey and I wish I could be better- wish I was better..wish I didn't get frustrated, impatient, short tempered..

Because when your asleep, I look at your beautiful face..sleeping soundly- and all i know- is this pure- insane- passionate - all consuming- all loving force that will always be with me... 

For we are one

I gave birth to you--and we will always be connected