Xmas is over

And I feel sad. Not sure why...

It's always such a huge push- so much to do, going going non stop. I'm irritable, snappy, stressed...

Food to cook. Presents to buy and wrap, elves to hide. Parties to attend...

And then it's over. And the past 2 days after x,as we all got sick..and honestly- it was lovely- we did nothing but sat in the house, watched movies, played games..and yes, spent a lot of time on electronics  - but we were together, and relaxed and enjoying it! I a, so thankful for that time,

Tennis

For each of us, it fills a different void.

Or each of us, it becomes like a addiction, once it gets under your skin, you can't get enough. 

It fills so many voids, social, mental and physical 

Every one of us has a different story, hidden secrets tucked away - losses, disappointments, stresses, hurts, loves...

The personality of us- all similar- very physical, very social, very competitive...

Beating away that demon that lurks behind closed doors..whatever it may be 

Busy days ahead

Life is good, life is good.

Life is busy..

But I'm trying to just appreciate how lucky I am and to cherish each day! I ha e always looked back at the past and missed it so,much - the boys getting older, Vermont, etc.

But what I need to do is to embrace where we are right now and love them as much as I can and be as present as I can...because they are still young, and I won't net these times back either.,

Gabes swim meet at park west..he swan up in higher age group and did great!

All the cousins visiting Boobie in the hospital after his stroke 

Brandin and I celebrating my 41st bday!

Oh my baby my bAby

So I'm sitting in bed - doing some work..

The house is silent, thinking I am the only one awake and can get some stuff done..

And my 10year old comes into the room sobbing..

I grab him and embrace him in a huge hug and ask him what's wrong..

And he says..i don't ever want you to die...

One day you will die, and I can't stand it..he says.,,

So I ( gulping back the inner voice saying- wahhhhhhh what do you mean I'm going to die 😬😳😳) ask him what caused this, and he said he was in his room looking at old photo albums of when he was a baby and me holding him, etc..

And - omg!! I was just soooo touched! 

For so long I have felt like...I don't know how to reach out to him, he's so grown up,now...and I miss him so much.

And here he is, so vonerable, 

So instead of just brushing it aside, because physically I am exhausted and was so,excited to finally have some time to myself..

But I crawled into bed with him , and hugged him, talked to him , and listened to him.

He said one of his best memories of us was a time in Vermont when I got in bed with him and sang - you are my sunshine - 

And so , tonight, as I clung to my first born baby boy, I gently sang the words to the sing that my own mother sang a few times to me ...

You are my sunshine

My only sunshine

You make me happy when sky's are grey

You'll never know dear, hiw much I love you 

Please don't take my sunshine away..

Tennis!!!

Love love love this new fila line ... Illusion...

And more...

Barefoot Contessa - Recipes - Lobster Corn Chowder

Barefoot Contessa - Recipes - Lobster Corn Chowder

Disney

We had a great vacation! All of us together- in one room- going non stop... 

At first I thought i was going to loose it.

But, my memories are so sweet of us all together ( I hope I didn't bite their heads off to much) never having a moment alone to dress, go to bathroom l etc ...

But each day was excellent and I miss it already 

Busy or still

Isn't there a saying ...

To never look behind - always move forward???

Well, that's not me,

I look behind all,the time.

Not sure why? But I am a sentimental gal.

I miss Vermont. 

I miss how- even though- things with the hubs weren't that great- ... We felt mired"involved" all of us..

If we were mad- we were mad, if kids were bored, we had eachother and we did stuff, 

I feel like here, as happy as I am, I'm more dicsnnected from them all? But maybe that's good? Maybe that ps normal? What's supposed to happen? I don't know. I just feel like my head is always spinnjng with thoughts, worries, thinking about other stuff, they are not my one and only focus???

Writing this, I'm thinking,,,, it sounds good actually like what's right. But it's my heart that feels it's wrong?

Diabetic blues

Uggggggggggggggggggggg

It happened again...

Every time it does, I feel mad, ashamed, sad, scared, worried, determined, judgemental, and like throwing my hands in the air...

I am a stay at home mother of two amazing boys ages 7 and 10. And I am a type 1 diabetc. I have had it since I was 11 years old. I have had diabetes for 29 years.

I have worked very hard at discipline myself, testing my blood sugar 10 times a day, excerzing like crazy, eating very well and controlling this beast.

The hardest part has been - since becoming a mom- Feeling like -I can't controll this fully...

I am someone who hates to ask for anything, I like to do it all myself, I like to be in control and I hate to get attention brought to me. Therefor, I don't tell many people that I am diabetic. I don't want to make a big deal about it ..

lately- I have had at least 4 BAD low blood sugar episodes - which are more of a result of myself not wanting to make a big deal..or draw attention to it, or myself. 

Which, in turn, has MADE it a bigger scene.

The worst part of this disease for me, ever is my children, 

Having them See me low, acting like such a diferent person, or even being non responsive, or, not being able to drive...

How do I explain that to them?

How do I explain that when mommy gets really low I curse like Sailer?? Yelling the F word over and over? 

It's a manageable disease, which I am so thankful for, I have read so many heart wrenching stories of mothers who learn that they only have months left to live due to cancers,or diseases...

But, living day to day, as my own personal doctor- with no phd- trying to make 100 decisions that have so many diferent variables,

For example, I can do the same exercise, eat the same food, every day all month, but depending on several things such as stress, hormones, illness, travel- my sugars can plummet or sky rocket giving no  warning 

I love my children more than anything in the world and I beg God, to never ever let me put them in a scary low situation again and I beg God to help them understand and trust and feel comforted of his Love and  my love and that I will do anything in my power to protect them from harm..

Please let the rest fall in as well