Diabetic blues

Uggggggggggggggggggggg

It happened again...

Every time it does, I feel mad, ashamed, sad, scared, worried, determined, judgemental, and like throwing my hands in the air...

I am a stay at home mother of two amazing boys ages 7 and 10. And I am a type 1 diabetc. I have had it since I was 11 years old. I have had diabetes for 29 years.

I have worked very hard at discipline myself, testing my blood sugar 10 times a day, excerzing like crazy, eating very well and controlling this beast.

The hardest part has been - since becoming a mom- Feeling like -I can't controll this fully...

I am someone who hates to ask for anything, I like to do it all myself, I like to be in control and I hate to get attention brought to me. Therefor, I don't tell many people that I am diabetic. I don't want to make a big deal about it ..

lately- I have had at least 4 BAD low blood sugar episodes - which are more of a result of myself not wanting to make a big deal..or draw attention to it, or myself. 

Which, in turn, has MADE it a bigger scene.

The worst part of this disease for me, ever is my children, 

Having them See me low, acting like such a diferent person, or even being non responsive, or, not being able to drive...

How do I explain that to them?

How do I explain that when mommy gets really low I curse like Sailer?? Yelling the F word over and over? 

It's a manageable disease, which I am so thankful for, I have read so many heart wrenching stories of mothers who learn that they only have months left to live due to cancers,or diseases...

But, living day to day, as my own personal doctor- with no phd- trying to make 100 decisions that have so many diferent variables,

For example, I can do the same exercise, eat the same food, every day all month, but depending on several things such as stress, hormones, illness, travel- my sugars can plummet or sky rocket giving no  warning 

I love my children more than anything in the world and I beg God, to never ever let me put them in a scary low situation again and I beg God to help them understand and trust and feel comforted of his Love and  my love and that I will do anything in my power to protect them from harm..

Please let the rest fall in as well