Still stuck

Things are so good...having fun- kids doing well

But I'm still sad...

I'm still feeling 

Like this is a dream or vacation..like we are on vacation..and soon we will go back to,our life?

I see pictures of Vermont..life is changing..leaves turned beautiful colors, temps cooling...winter is coming..

Andi just can't believe we're not there??

It doesn't seam real to me

I really have felt like we're on vacation here- and the reality piece isn't real yet..

That home..that reality- that part of me...

I just still can't believe all that is done

I had grown so accustomed to that life- knew what to expect...

I'm not ready to forget it either...I don't want to loose it

Why is this so hard for me???

I think I have. Moved so many times- that I know - in time, I will loose that piece of myself..my life that really felt good..

To go out on my own and raise my boys- and make our own way- and we had stuff that I really loved..

I loved....this time of year!!!!

I will miss having fires every night

Anyway, I know that - with time, we will all move on- and become embedded into this life

And all those special things we loved, we were so food at..and we're so different from the way things are here..

Will be gone- forgotten

The kids remember now..but there so young - they will forget- little by little

They will forget how much fun we had skiing- and how we knew all the names to every trial..

They will forget what its like to go out into the ice cold and play all afternoon - or stack wood.. Or shovel snow..

Little Harrison who would shovel it and put it back onto the driveway- our first winter there..

Baby- only 3:(( 

The following are pics from our weekend at Sullivan's island- beautiful beach in October - beautiful bonding with my sister 

Homesick

And I'm sad..

I can't really explain it...

But everythung that was routine for me...like when your in a hotel and you wkd up and try to go to the bathroom and run into the wall. Because the bathroom in the hotel is in the opposite direction.,but your so ritually used to where it is at home

I want to walk back into our house and open the kitchen windows and see the kids playing in the back and smell fall..and smell my pumpkin spice candles burning on the granite counter top. 

I can just see Harrison on the rug in front of the fireplace wanting me to play a game with him

I can picture the front door open to let in the afternoon light - music pouring through the house- gabe and jake playing in gabes room- the early morning frost and chilly bike rides to school each morning- my fingers freezing - the beautiful array of color bursting from the tree tops in warm reds, oranges, yellow! 

Picking the boys up and going for our favorite hike on the Allen brook trail

The boys racing ahead  - grabbing stocks and pushing down dead trees

Noticing the top of mount Mansfield covered in snow for the first time- and hopeful thoughts of snow and winter looming ahead

This was my life- this was so familiar- so part of me....

And I feel lost now- I don't know where that part is

How is it possible that on the first big snow- the boys and I won't jump in the car and drive up to Bolton, past cochrains - calling out all out land marks - listening to our favorite hits on the radio -- 

How is possible, that that part of my life is just over? 

I want to jump back in time..into our house and have everything the same- 

Our best friends just on the other side of us..

Watching the boys run through the back yard and into our house- 

There here- safe! 

what do I do...just try to forget it all? Or continue to be sad and remorseful ? 

I don't know