Homesick

And I'm sad..

I can't really explain it...

But everythung that was routine for me...like when your in a hotel and you wkd up and try to go to the bathroom and run into the wall. Because the bathroom in the hotel is in the opposite direction.,but your so ritually used to where it is at home

I want to walk back into our house and open the kitchen windows and see the kids playing in the back and smell fall..and smell my pumpkin spice candles burning on the granite counter top. 

I can just see Harrison on the rug in front of the fireplace wanting me to play a game with him

I can picture the front door open to let in the afternoon light - music pouring through the house- gabe and jake playing in gabes room- the early morning frost and chilly bike rides to school each morning- my fingers freezing - the beautiful array of color bursting from the tree tops in warm reds, oranges, yellow! 

Picking the boys up and going for our favorite hike on the Allen brook trail

The boys racing ahead  - grabbing stocks and pushing down dead trees

Noticing the top of mount Mansfield covered in snow for the first time- and hopeful thoughts of snow and winter looming ahead

This was my life- this was so familiar- so part of me....

And I feel lost now- I don't know where that part is

How is it possible that on the first big snow- the boys and I won't jump in the car and drive up to Bolton, past cochrains - calling out all out land marks - listening to our favorite hits on the radio -- 

How is possible, that that part of my life is just over? 

I want to jump back in time..into our house and have everything the same- 

Our best friends just on the other side of us..

Watching the boys run through the back yard and into our house- 

There here- safe! 

what do I do...just try to forget it all? Or continue to be sad and remorseful ? 

I don't know