Looking for Christmas....

I do t know why- or maybe I do- but I feel like I am. Avoiding the holidays subconsciously???

This is my favorite time of year- and usually I am so into it- and start WAY early

Ug it's a week away from Christmas and I have bought nothing -haven't  decorated anything - and don't feel like its going to happen any time soon

This hurts me

This is my favorite time of year 

But I feel lost - not used to having a winter in the south after 4 years in the wonderful wintery Vermont where the cold crisp fall nights lead into even crisper winter evenings followed by snowflakes and And fires.

I don't know how to replace that and get excited by war, temperatures, no fireplace and palm trees.

I want to make it special and not sad for my boys who will notice this change as well.... 

But I just can't seem to get myself into that mode? 

Our first christmas with no fireplace and no winter??

Here we are November 15

And after that are pics of one year ago - November 

Going through the motions

Five months in and I guess we're doing ok- 

Boys getting great grades in school

Gabe made it to the all start soccer team

And I am doing great with tennis- playing almost every day- meeting lots of women - and won my first USTA match

But I still miss Vermont..I can't kick it

Boys still mis it

Friends aren't the same- I see them struggle- trying to make friendships work- school- putting on the happy face 

But we are going through the motions and still feel sad.

It is so hard for me to realize that this is real

We are here and not going back

And Im so sick of writing and talking about the same things..

But- ohhhhh how I miss it this time of year- the crips cold fall evenings

Having a warm fire at the end of a long day spent out doors..the smell of snow in the air - seeing the mountain tops covered in snow 

Opening the front door to look, breath in, taste, touch the first snow flake with your tongue / the raw Brisk shock of the cold night air

Bundling up in your winter clothes for the first time

The excitement of the holidays to come..

The hope of.snow..

Ski season ahead,.

I don't know what to look forward to in the south where it all stays the same

How do you know ........

I'm asking myself this question lately - how do you know /if your marriage should be done. So,what if you feel like you've had all you can take and your sick of hoping for things to get better...but knowing in your gut, that..take it or leave it..this is what your stuck with

And I just don't know. I know that we have two amazing boys 

And I know that when we do fight

We bring out the worst in each other and often, it's in front of the kids...

And that is NOT ok in my book

I know that - when are not together and it's just the boys and me- 

I can be free and we usually have wonderful times

But I also know that I still love this man 

Love him lots

And our babies live him and us together

But is that enough???

Which one is the worst one - parents fighting- bringing out the worst in each other  and behaving like children sometimes

Or sticking through it and some good goes with some bad? 

Which is the one that will scar them more?

How many times can I handle my husband ignoring me and my feelings

And then I see these amazing boys- and I can't imagine doing that to them..