Holiday blues????

Still feeling down...

Damn it !

He weather doesn't help much .... Rain and blah is not what charleston South Carolina is all about..

Worrying about my marriage..

Worrries because it's all the same patterns.

Always the same junk that gets us stuck...

Wondering if it's a pattern we can ever escape? 

New town, new people...tennis and family to keep me busy...but when that slows down..I'm left with the same bare bones reminders of what our real issues are...

And it's sad.

I don't know...

I know that we both love eachother very much. I know that if there is one person in this world more si,liar to myself - it's him....

But then I wonder...maybe that Isn't a good hung? All my worst traits he has, and we bring them out, or hide them in our relationship.,..

Worry worry worry..

Good lord I need to get back to tennis...

Can we make it work......

Holiday stress

Uggggggg

I am a total nightmare to be around...

My stress level is sooo high right now...

I'm snapping at the kids, irritable, sad, worried- you name it ....

And I kept asking myself ..why?? What's wrong with me..is it pms?? When's my period due..

And then I realized...the holidays are here - we have NO money - my husbands been worrying about his work for years now and thungs are especially bad now...we have negative bank account as soon as payday hits..

And I alone am responsible for creating a magic like Christmas for everyone 

Gifts, stockings, advent calander, 5 birthdays .... Traveling home to Vermont...and hoping to make it all up for everyone...

And ..no money ...

I'm exhausted, my while body feels tight...am unable to relax until everyone is asleep and I can be on my own with lots of wine...

Uggggggggggggggggg

I'm sad because I love Christmas and holiday festivities..and mad because I can't partake and do as much as I would like to do..

And I know I should feel fortunate because there are soo many people out there that have it way worse...

But I'm stuck in the mad, sad, frustrated for now 

Looking for a little light...

Four weeks into summer...

Part of me is soooo enjoying it...love the easy pace, no rules...dinner whenever, sleepy mornings , no homework and lunches to pack...

Getting time to spend with my boys- hanging with them daily...it's nice... A nicer tone then during school., where it's hard to get imt their routine...and I feel like they get the worst if me.

But the downside is that everyday - I am left to come up with things to keep us busy - which I don't think I'm good at...I try,.

But it's especially hard on. Budget and when your car breaks down and you has no car

So yes, I have been feeling depressed because a summer with two biys at home and no money and now no car - leaves things very bleak......: 

How do I fill the time..hike do I keep hem happy, how do I keep them fulfilled, how do I keep me happy, how do I keep me fulfilled? 

Guilty I feel for almost eveything I do.,.

I can not be 100% for anyone....

Spreading myself thin...

I know if I had a nice, trustworthy car- I would drive anywhere to any free events- I would go to the beach just to let the, jump in at 6 pm- but I don't and I can't- because I am always worrying about the car- and now it's done

I am Doing my best to be resourceful - call up friends- set play dates, think of games we can play- stay resourceful...

But at the end of the day..

I just feel hopeless

Like a mom, just me, with worry, 

And unsure of how to keep it going every day...

How to keep me going - so I can keep the family going ....

Here are my babies! 

Mamma needs a new car

A day in the life of a stay at home mama: 9 year old gabe

A day in the life of a stay at home mama: 9 year old gabe: My baby boy...first born..beautiful child.. Is turning 9 tomorrow. I'm full of emotion With Christmas one week away Going back to Vermon...

I'm sorry we couldn't make it work ....

Atlantis was awesome!!!!

The best trip ever..

I was so worried about taking the kids on a work trip

But we had such a amazing time

I missssssss it soooo much

We loved sleeping in- waking up and I would have. A Starbucks coffee in the room..lazy - boys watch cartoons- I could catch up on wifi correspondence

Then head out to the amazing breakfast Buffett that new York life provided every morning.

This was a highlight of the boys trip  - plates were .loaded  up with eggs, bacon, sausage, French toast, juice and more...

And mom was happy with my coffee and eggs with salsa and plenty of hot sauce 

Then we would head to the pool area for hours of fun on the end

Endless water slides. Pools, ocean, restaurants, friends, and fun fun fun!

Night were always busy with ,any functions to attend...

And soon, Back into our comfy beds with the sliding glass door open and the amazing sounds of the Bahamas to lull us to sleep

Wishing I was there now

Okay..slower times, I realize...I'm stilllll homesick...what the hell!?!!

Ok..I'm homesick

I guess, spring break has caused a stillness. Not so busy, not getting my cup filled up, plus noticing gabes still struggle, and I am still homesick. It's easy to mask when I'm so busy and having fun with tennis.....

But when times are slow...I miss it soooo much - I'm surprised by how much! What  to do about it?? I dont know??? But I am sad

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Best Self Employment Ideas: How to Become an Errand Runner

Best Self Employment Ideas: How to Become an Errand Runner: Sometimes we all would love to have a sidekick or secretary. There's usually a great deal to accomplish and we all feel as if we have no...

Doctor search driving me crazy....

Does anyone else feel like they have had it up to here with trying to Keep up with so many doctor apts/yearly exams /check ups/ blood work

Its enough to make me batty

And I guess being type 1 diabetic and ADD doesn't help

So there's the every 6 month check up and blood work - yearly obgyn, eye check, skin check, breast check oh and don't forget every 6 months the teeth cleaning 😳😲😱😁😁😁😁

So remind me to never move again

Because after moving away ~ and finally finding a .....

* primary care doc

* eye doc

* obgyn

* skin doc

* endocrinologist doc

* and dentist 

Plus the pediatritritian  for the boys 

I have major reservation/anxiety/unmotivation/trepidation and total lack of desire to start all over again.....

Almost 40 and wondering...

Is it all downhill for here???

Just in the past month- one friend had a massive heart attack - another is having both breasts biopsies for cancer and another died

I am just so scared by all of this ......

At an age now where this will be the norm???

My sister came over today and I gave her her belated birthday gift and she said her age and it didn't sink in with me until hours after she left.. But 43 sounds SO old... SO close to 50 it sacred me

So my question and thoughts are...as we age...how do we put the fear away..and just move along? Without thinking about the inevitable?

Each year looming closer to that spot and it terrifies me

Sharing the love

I just want to say thank you ! For writing a great book about kids and skiing
I am a. Mom of two boys - 6 and 9 and we just moved away from Vermont to Sc 
I grew up skiing and Racing in Vermont - and finally introduced that to my boys and for the past 5 years we have had the best times skiing together- sharing the love! 
And so moving away was very hard! But thanks to your book ( which just came in the mail 2 days ago) ....it brings a little of that back to us
We are enjoying cuddling up at night and catching up where we left off and feeling like we are back in our world that we loved so much!
I hope that you are writing more! There are no other books like this !
Thank you

My babies my babies- always keep me guessing

I'm so confusd sometimes as a mother of boys

Soooooo much weight relies on me- how I act- what mood I'm in- who gets more attention 

And mostly after school- the boys have so much pent up energy they fight and wrestle and cry and all right in font  of me...

As if looking for something..wanting something from me.....

If I were not there...or out of town....

It doesn't happen

And I've been sick the past few days - and so I have really limited what I can do with them..

And tonight at bedtime..

Gabe said..

Mom, I dont ever want you to die 😳

So I try to suppress my inner anxiety that he knows something I don't 

And say- I know...I wish no one ever died...

And we talked about age- and how people are living longer these days..

And plus...look at me- I'm a mom and my mom is still around and has a long way to go

That seemed to make them feel better 

But I guess I don't understand, why, if I am so important to them.... Do I bear the brunt of their emotions, antics, bad behavior??? 

And dads job is easy peasy? His job with them compared to mine is apples to oranges

I don't know

I'm tired of being sicko

And it was just so much easier for me to understand them as babies.. Hungry, messy or tired 

The older they get the harder it is...

And the harder it is because the gap between us grows bigger

I feel like I am at a confusing place 

And I miss my babies