Diabetic blues

Uggggggggggggggggggggg

It happened again...

Every time it does, I feel mad, ashamed, sad, scared, worried, determined, judgemental, and like throwing my hands in the air...

I am a stay at home mother of two amazing boys ages 7 and 10. And I am a type 1 diabetc. I have had it since I was 11 years old. I have had diabetes for 29 years.

I have worked very hard at discipline myself, testing my blood sugar 10 times a day, excerzing like crazy, eating very well and controlling this beast.

The hardest part has been - since becoming a mom- Feeling like -I can't controll this fully...

I am someone who hates to ask for anything, I like to do it all myself, I like to be in control and I hate to get attention brought to me. Therefor, I don't tell many people that I am diabetic. I don't want to make a big deal about it ..

lately- I have had at least 4 BAD low blood sugar episodes - which are more of a result of myself not wanting to make a big deal..or draw attention to it, or myself. 

Which, in turn, has MADE it a bigger scene.

The worst part of this disease for me, ever is my children, 

Having them See me low, acting like such a diferent person, or even being non responsive, or, not being able to drive...

How do I explain that to them?

How do I explain that when mommy gets really low I curse like Sailer?? Yelling the F word over and over? 

It's a manageable disease, which I am so thankful for, I have read so many heart wrenching stories of mothers who learn that they only have months left to live due to cancers,or diseases...

But, living day to day, as my own personal doctor- with no phd- trying to make 100 decisions that have so many diferent variables,

For example, I can do the same exercise, eat the same food, every day all month, but depending on several things such as stress, hormones, illness, travel- my sugars can plummet or sky rocket giving no  warning 

I love my children more than anything in the world and I beg God, to never ever let me put them in a scary low situation again and I beg God to help them understand and trust and feel comforted of his Love and  my love and that I will do anything in my power to protect them from harm..

Please let the rest fall in as well

Still stuck

Things are so good...having fun- kids doing well

But I'm still sad...

I'm still feeling 

Like this is a dream or vacation..like we are on vacation..and soon we will go back to,our life?

I see pictures of Vermont..life is changing..leaves turned beautiful colors, temps cooling...winter is coming..

Andi just can't believe we're not there??

It doesn't seam real to me

I really have felt like we're on vacation here- and the reality piece isn't real yet..

That home..that reality- that part of me...

I just still can't believe all that is done

I had grown so accustomed to that life- knew what to expect...

I'm not ready to forget it either...I don't want to loose it

Why is this so hard for me???

I think I have. Moved so many times- that I know - in time, I will loose that piece of myself..my life that really felt good..

To go out on my own and raise my boys- and make our own way- and we had stuff that I really loved..

I loved....this time of year!!!!

I will miss having fires every night

Anyway, I know that - with time, we will all move on- and become embedded into this life

And all those special things we loved, we were so food at..and we're so different from the way things are here..

Will be gone- forgotten

The kids remember now..but there so young - they will forget- little by little

They will forget how much fun we had skiing- and how we knew all the names to every trial..

They will forget what its like to go out into the ice cold and play all afternoon - or stack wood.. Or shovel snow..

Little Harrison who would shovel it and put it back onto the driveway- our first winter there..

Baby- only 3:(( 

The following are pics from our weekend at Sullivan's island- beautiful beach in October - beautiful bonding with my sister 

My baby Is off to kindegarten

And I'm so so sad! Not sure why I'm having SUCH a hard time/ but I know that my nest is empty/ this is the big step into the world and from here on/ he's only going to be moving further and further away from me. As a mom it's the first time I have felt such a cut/ the connection is slipping away/ thinner and thinner/ until one day/ he will be off to college
Now I'm not trying to be all
Doom and gloom/ of corse there are all sorts of wonderful things that come along with this/ I get more time/ won't be so
Stressed/ can find things I enjoy that fulfill me after so long being a care taker/ but most of all- the feeling I'm feeling now that is hard/ very hard/ is my babies are taking a step away from me / I can sence the change when I gather them from school/ the reconnect is more difficult/ there trying to be "tough" and are noticeably more distant- more social stigmatisms are there- Harrison .. For the first time/ told me that all day a girl was staring at me- and that he was so
Embarrassed ?
First time ive ever even noticed or heard him talk about being aware of feelings such as embarrassment?
One day in school..
It's harder to reach my baby/ the connection we had- the boy who when he's tired would come
To
Me/ and we were so connected/ I feel almost an anger from him/ towards me- a boy I don't know/ one who is starting to be interested in girls/ has own friends/ don't know- with gabe it was different/ he always shared his thoughts and feelings / I feel
Like Harrison internalized so much