LOOKING FOR MYSELF

Getting into the routine somewhat- of having the school day to myself..

I'm going to list my feelings- both positive and negative

POSITIVE:

time to accomplish tasks

time to breath

time to do some things for myself

i am more relaxed

I find that my time with my children is MUCH better

I have so much more to give

i have more time to volunteer in their classroom and go on class trips

I have time to think- to feel- to put myself first

I have time to plan my day as i deem necessary

I am able to cook more

NEGATIVE:

feel lost

feel lonely

feeling like I'm loosing my babies

miss not getting to see them as much

am searching...

To sum it up- I am a better mom now- calmer- I have time- actual time- so I'm not running around stressed and angry all the time- I know I have more to give to everyone (even the fish and our car peach)

and I know that this is the best thing for everyone...

Its just going to be a BIG soul searching time for me..

for the first time- I can listen to my inner voice- take care of myself (something I'm not good at) and find things that fulfill me- I know i need to find my own things- my kids don't want to feel the helicopter parent who is obsessed with them.. I KNOW that- they need a mom who is independent- fulfilled and has a life outside of being "mommy"

but that also scares me- because that is how I defined myself for soooo long

so... I guess for now- USHER is not the only one- looking for myself;0

Shared photo book from erin

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Feeling sad for mommies

I have been feeling a real
Sadness since my youngest went to
Kindegarten and my other son went back to school/ the transition from preschool
To kindergarten has been a big one for me- lots of crying/ sadness
It's a huge transformation and I haven't felt certain if these feelings were legit. .. Could I be okay having such a strong reaction to my youngest starting kindergarten/ but after reading several mothers posts online- its a comment feeling and it makes me so sad for the stay at home mom
I feel like- we give -ALL of ourselves form the formative years- completely giving up our own selves In order to care for our children/ guiding them/ feeding them/ shielding them/ helping then grow into strong independent and grounded human beings.... Only to
Find.. One say/ very quickly: we bundle them up/ and off they march to school / and there gone/ leaving us with all these feelings- who am I? What is my role? Am I good enough?
All these feelings that have been out in the back burner for years in order to care of our children- then in an instant/ off they go to school all day and all of a sudden we are expected to know what we are going to do with all this time( really only about 2 hours more than preschool time) as if we are supposed to bounce right back from years of not listening to ourselves/ caring for others / working ourselves ragged/ and immediately know what we are ready for next. ..
Oh great/ get me going on my next mission ASAP???? WTF??
It's a crazy / strange transformation
And im finding it incredibly difficult
I spend my whole
Life wanting to be a mom/ take care of my babies/ be a wife/ stay at home/
Well
I got
More than I bargained for / moving when they were babies/ being so crazed that I don't feel I fully enjoyed the one very thing that I have always wanted in my life/ I feel
Like I was so sad/ stressed/ etc/ that those beautiful times/ moments just passed in a blur and I missed alot
Of it and it kills me
Now that I'm
Awakening- I'm remorseful/ and my babies are off to school where they spend more time there then at home???
-and I feel
Like society wants me to immediately figure out what I am going to do
Now?? When all I want us that time back :(

My baby Is off to kindegarten

And I'm so so sad! Not sure why I'm having SUCH a hard time/ but I know that my nest is empty/ this is the big step into the world and from here on/ he's only going to be moving further and further away from me. As a mom it's the first time I have felt such a cut/ the connection is slipping away/ thinner and thinner/ until one day/ he will be off to college
Now I'm not trying to be all
Doom and gloom/ of corse there are all sorts of wonderful things that come along with this/ I get more time/ won't be so
Stressed/ can find things I enjoy that fulfill me after so long being a care taker/ but most of all- the feeling I'm feeling now that is hard/ very hard/ is my babies are taking a step away from me / I can sence the change when I gather them from school/ the reconnect is more difficult/ there trying to be "tough" and are noticeably more distant- more social stigmatisms are there- Harrison .. For the first time/ told me that all day a girl was staring at me- and that he was so
Embarrassed ?
First time ive ever even noticed or heard him talk about being aware of feelings such as embarrassment?
One day in school..
It's harder to reach my baby/ the connection we had- the boy who when he's tired would come
To
Me/ and we were so connected/ I feel almost an anger from him/ towards me- a boy I don't know/ one who is starting to be interested in girls/ has own friends/ don't know- with gabe it was different/ he always shared his thoughts and feelings / I feel
Like Harrison internalized so much

My babies..my loves

I don't know how to express my fee,ings of such depth, such love and such emotion..for my babies,,they are the best thing I have ever done..
And it's so hard at the same time.
I am alone so much of it,.the day to night parenting..I get stressed out..and I don't act. As I want to...I day or respond in ways that I don't like...
My babies...
If I could do over..I would most of the time..but in the moment, I'm so tired and so spent,.i just snap,,
But this is the most precious time ever..and before I now it, hey will be teenagers .and every day I long for more of these young tender moments..to hold them and love them. And cuddle them and make all their worries go away
..but instead, life, business of it ,the shit apt thats not important gets in the way and I rush rush rush,,to get dinner ready, clean the mess, make the lunches..,
Why does that shit keep me so busy,,,,
I won't get these times back,,
God i just love them so much...I need them to know that,I hope they do, under all my stress, I hope thy know that they are the best things that my heart has ever known

Curtis Stone’s one pot meals: Beef stew, chickpea bake

Curtis Stone’s one pot meals: Beef stew, chickpea bake

Help me grow

please god help me learn from my parents misgivings and not repeat them with my children..let me learn from my hurts, disappointments, and sadness , and use it in my life, to not do the same things to my babies..
To grow and learn from the things that have hurt me, and make me A better parent.



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