9 year old gabe

My baby boy...first born..beautiful child..

Is turning 9 tomorrow.

I'm full of emotion

With Christmas one week away

Going back to Vermont- our home of four years - in a few days

Christmas..

It's alot 

Emotionally I feel packed up 

Like a firecracker ...all these things at once... 

I don't want it to even be recognizable to my son. I want him to feel love...happiness..joy and excitement

I feel like over the 9 years- looking back at pictures of him as a baby- 

Boy have I dropped the ball many times,

Parenthood..- its so tough..

Life- stress - worry- anxiety- loss- 

It really is tough those child rearing years and our beautiful little peeps who start out so young and untouched - un affected by any of it.

Eventually - a they get older- pick up on it all...

And I am so sorry - I'm so sorry my little love -

I'm sorry that I couldn't be more mature , I couldn't work stuff out with your dad behind closed doors, instead of sometimes- right in front of you 

I'm sorry for  any hurt you'll ever experience

I'm sorry if I hovered to much

I'm sorry if I am terrible at patience

Terrible at homework 

Becoming a mother was the best thing that has ever happened to me..and I have grown and learned so much about myself, my parents, people..

But I just wish my babies didn't have to go through that journey and I wish I could be better- wish I was better..wish I didn't get frustrated, impatient, short tempered..

Because when your asleep, I look at your beautiful face..sleeping soundly- and all i know- is this pure- insane- passionate - all consuming- all loving force that will always be with me... 

For we are one

I gave birth to you--and we will always be connected

Looking for Christmas....

I do t know why- or maybe I do- but I feel like I am. Avoiding the holidays subconsciously???

This is my favorite time of year- and usually I am so into it- and start WAY early

Ug it's a week away from Christmas and I have bought nothing -haven't  decorated anything - and don't feel like its going to happen any time soon

This hurts me

This is my favorite time of year 

But I feel lost - not used to having a winter in the south after 4 years in the wonderful wintery Vermont where the cold crisp fall nights lead into even crisper winter evenings followed by snowflakes and And fires.

I don't know how to replace that and get excited by war, temperatures, no fireplace and palm trees.

I want to make it special and not sad for my boys who will notice this change as well.... 

But I just can't seem to get myself into that mode? 

Our first christmas with no fireplace and no winter??

Here we are November 15

And after that are pics of one year ago - November 

Going through the motions

Five months in and I guess we're doing ok- 

Boys getting great grades in school

Gabe made it to the all start soccer team

And I am doing great with tennis- playing almost every day- meeting lots of women - and won my first USTA match

But I still miss Vermont..I can't kick it

Boys still mis it

Friends aren't the same- I see them struggle- trying to make friendships work- school- putting on the happy face 

But we are going through the motions and still feel sad.

It is so hard for me to realize that this is real

We are here and not going back

And Im so sick of writing and talking about the same things..

But- ohhhhh how I miss it this time of year- the crips cold fall evenings

Having a warm fire at the end of a long day spent out doors..the smell of snow in the air - seeing the mountain tops covered in snow 

Opening the front door to look, breath in, taste, touch the first snow flake with your tongue / the raw Brisk shock of the cold night air

Bundling up in your winter clothes for the first time

The excitement of the holidays to come..

The hope of.snow..

Ski season ahead,.

I don't know what to look forward to in the south where it all stays the same

How do you know ........

I'm asking myself this question lately - how do you know /if your marriage should be done. So,what if you feel like you've had all you can take and your sick of hoping for things to get better...but knowing in your gut, that..take it or leave it..this is what your stuck with

And I just don't know. I know that we have two amazing boys 

And I know that when we do fight

We bring out the worst in each other and often, it's in front of the kids...

And that is NOT ok in my book

I know that - when are not together and it's just the boys and me- 

I can be free and we usually have wonderful times

But I also know that I still love this man 

Love him lots

And our babies live him and us together

But is that enough???

Which one is the worst one - parents fighting- bringing out the worst in each other  and behaving like children sometimes

Or sticking through it and some good goes with some bad? 

Which is the one that will scar them more?

How many times can I handle my husband ignoring me and my feelings

And then I see these amazing boys- and I can't imagine doing that to them..

Still stuck

Things are so good...having fun- kids doing well

But I'm still sad...

I'm still feeling 

Like this is a dream or vacation..like we are on vacation..and soon we will go back to,our life?

I see pictures of Vermont..life is changing..leaves turned beautiful colors, temps cooling...winter is coming..

Andi just can't believe we're not there??

It doesn't seam real to me

I really have felt like we're on vacation here- and the reality piece isn't real yet..

That home..that reality- that part of me...

I just still can't believe all that is done

I had grown so accustomed to that life- knew what to expect...

I'm not ready to forget it either...I don't want to loose it

Why is this so hard for me???

I think I have. Moved so many times- that I know - in time, I will loose that piece of myself..my life that really felt good..

To go out on my own and raise my boys- and make our own way- and we had stuff that I really loved..

I loved....this time of year!!!!

I will miss having fires every night

Anyway, I know that - with time, we will all move on- and become embedded into this life

And all those special things we loved, we were so food at..and we're so different from the way things are here..

Will be gone- forgotten

The kids remember now..but there so young - they will forget- little by little

They will forget how much fun we had skiing- and how we knew all the names to every trial..

They will forget what its like to go out into the ice cold and play all afternoon - or stack wood.. Or shovel snow..

Little Harrison who would shovel it and put it back onto the driveway- our first winter there..

Baby- only 3:(( 

The following are pics from our weekend at Sullivan's island- beautiful beach in October - beautiful bonding with my sister 

Homesick

And I'm sad..

I can't really explain it...

But everythung that was routine for me...like when your in a hotel and you wkd up and try to go to the bathroom and run into the wall. Because the bathroom in the hotel is in the opposite direction.,but your so ritually used to where it is at home

I want to walk back into our house and open the kitchen windows and see the kids playing in the back and smell fall..and smell my pumpkin spice candles burning on the granite counter top. 

I can just see Harrison on the rug in front of the fireplace wanting me to play a game with him

I can picture the front door open to let in the afternoon light - music pouring through the house- gabe and jake playing in gabes room- the early morning frost and chilly bike rides to school each morning- my fingers freezing - the beautiful array of color bursting from the tree tops in warm reds, oranges, yellow! 

Picking the boys up and going for our favorite hike on the Allen brook trail

The boys racing ahead  - grabbing stocks and pushing down dead trees

Noticing the top of mount Mansfield covered in snow for the first time- and hopeful thoughts of snow and winter looming ahead

This was my life- this was so familiar- so part of me....

And I feel lost now- I don't know where that part is

How is it possible that on the first big snow- the boys and I won't jump in the car and drive up to Bolton, past cochrains - calling out all out land marks - listening to our favorite hits on the radio -- 

How is possible, that that part of my life is just over? 

I want to jump back in time..into our house and have everything the same- 

Our best friends just on the other side of us..

Watching the boys run through the back yard and into our house- 

There here- safe! 

what do I do...just try to forget it all? Or continue to be sad and remorseful ? 

I don't know 

7 weeks

Wow

Almost two months here  - it feels like so much longer 

Boys are Into their second week of school

Hard times - the reality has now set In admits hard starting all over

They are such good boys 

I hate watching them have to start all over  

Homesick and missing our old life

Starting over and then some old ones before the move 

These first are from a photo-shoot at Bolton valley

My first born...a love letter

My sweet first born

I feel like ever since your brother was born 5 years ago..I have not been able to ever cuddled you, praise you, pamper you..

Your brother  came into this world and demanded my attention..

Always needing to be next to me, jealous and angry if he is not.

And you my love, my first

 love, are so accommodating, that you adapted and allowed this...moving over to the other side of me and letting him be right next to me because we all knew it would cause less turmoil in the end for all of us

But I wonder my love, if you knew how badly I wished I could hold you so tight in my arms? 

How badly I wanted to tell you how amazing and sweet and adaptable you are?? 

How badly I wanted just one moment alone with you? 

Thinking that it's actually the second child who gets the most of moms time. I always thought that the first was the lucky one because they had mom all to themselves the first few years- but I don't think it's true..

I think for you, my sweet, you had to move aside pretty quickly

And I'm sorry..... 

I love you so much-

The hardest part of being a parent of more than one child, for me, is trying to split myself between the two of you, and knowing , someone is always going to feel left out, or less loved.

I hate that. I wish I had a clone of myself and I could nurture you both with 100% of myself

But what you don't know - is that at night, once everyone is fast asleep...I sneak beside you in bed, all warm and cozy..fast asleep..and I put my arms around you and hold on so tight!!! I kiss you and look at your beautiful face- and whisper I love you , I love you, I love you- forever and ever!!

How do I say goodbye

How do I make peace with the move...

How do I say goodbye and feel ok about it 

How do I stop feeling so sad

How do I move when I'm not ready?

The boys  and I drove to my dads for a night and just got home..

And it feels so good to be home

As soon as we got close, we all pointed out all our special landmarks- the school, the corner store where we buy Popsicles in the hot summer time

The hill that my youngest thinks would be a excellent sledding hill 

I love this town 

I know we won't be back

I know once were gone - with time, friendships will be lost, memories will fade, and we will all move on

I know this because I have  moved several times in my life

And that's the way things go

I don't want to loose touch with this place I,love so much

This place that hold so many memories for me

Leaving..

Oh my oh my

How do I begin

We are down to 2 weeks left in our home

Everyday i am living each moment to,it's fullest - taking the biys on as many outings as possible..

Last soccer games, last TBAll games, last Play dates

It's down to the wire now and I feel so sad

I havent always loved it here,

But this past year has been epic. 

I finally have felt as though we are settled in. Not new comers

I can go anywhere and run into someone I know

I know all the best spots for a hike, a run, a playground on a sunny day. I know what restaurants have toys and games for the boys to play

I have learned that on most evenings in the spring and fall, I should wear many layers because we could possible experience - rain, sun, heat and cold and sometimes, even snow..all in a weekend

The boys and I learned  the name of almost every trail at Bolton valley- and skied almost every trail as well

I know the staff at the elementary school by first name and they all know most all the news about our family before I do

I finally got to know the boys pediatrician so well that I can give her a issue I'm wondering about- and she already knows how the boys would respond - who will take it ok, who will be worrying and why

I even know all the shirt cuts in town better than some locals who have lived here all their life 

This is a amazing community with a wonderful school, neighborhoods, playgrounds, ski areas, trails to hike and bike on

I have caring neighbors who have cut my grass and helped rescue my sons stuffed animal from a neighbors gutter in the pouring rain 

When we first moved here, it seemed no one smiled at us, no be came out of their houses..

I was used to the south..where people ooze with friendly ness

But I have seen that people here take a little but longer to warm up to, but once you do, they would do Anythung for you

Oh how my body, mind and soul ache with sadness about leavung

This has been our home for almost 4 years

And not just any old 4 years

But 4 years when my children went from babies to kids

The memories are irreplaceable 

I'm scared that once we go...I may never be back

The things that once were so Important and fun and cool to us, will be forgotten because people don't care about that in the south

I have learned to rely on myself and my little family - alone..

And I'm scared that we will loose that when we leave 

Making our own decisions, finding our own way..

Instead of following in someone else's footsteps 

I'm scared because no one (except my mom) know our life here, what its like, what we did...how we lived 

We found our own way, and we did pretty good.

Hard to start back over in a place with lots of family and they have been doing things their way for long time

I just dint known how to say goodbye

To such a important piece of our lives

Oh my oh my

How do I begin

We are down to 2 weeks left in our home

Everyday i am living each moment to,it's fullest - taking the biys on as many outings as possible..

Last soccer games, last TBAll games, last Play dates

It's down to the wire now and I feel so sad

I havent always loved it here,

But this past year has been epic. 

I finally have felt as though we are settled in. Not new comers

I can go anywhere and run into someone I know

I know all the best spots for a hike, a run, a playground on a sunny day. I know what restaurants have toys and games for the boys to play

I have learned that on most evenings in the spring and fall, I should wear many layers because we could possible experience - rain, sun, heat and cold and sometimes, even snow..all in a weekend

The boys and I learned  the name of almost every trail at Bolton valley- and skied almost every trail as well

I know the staff at the elementary school by first name and they all know most all the news about our family before I do

I finally got to know the boys pediatrician so well that I can give her a issue I'm wondering about- and she already knows how the boys would respond - who will take it ok, who will be worrying and why

I even know all the shirt cuts in town better than some locals who have lived here all their life 

This is a amazing community with a wonderful school, neighborhoods, playgrounds, ski areas, trails to hike and bike on

I have caring neighbors who have cut my grass and helped rescue my sons stuffed animal from a neighbors gutter in the pouring rain 

When we first moved here, it seemed no one smiled at us, no be came out of their houses..

I was used to the south..where people ooze with friendly ness

But I have seen that people here take a little but longer to warm up to, but once you do, they would do Anythung for you

Oh how my body, mind and soul ache with sadness about leavung

This has been our home for almost 4 years

And not just any old 4 years

But 4 years when my children went from babies to kids

The memories are irreplaceable 

I'm scared that once we go...I may never be back

The things that once were so Important and fun and cool to us, will be forgotten because people don't care about that in the south

I have learned to rely on myself and my little family - alone..

And I'm scared that we will loose that when we leave 

Making our own decisions, finding our own way..

Instead of following in someone else's footsteps 

I'm scared because no one (except my mom) know our life here, what its like, what we did...how we lived 

We found our own way, and we did pretty good.

Hard to start back over in a place with lots of family and they have been doing things their way for long time

I just dint known how to say goodbye

To such a important piece of our lives

Oh my oh my

How do I begin

We are down to 2 weeks left in our home

Everyday i am living each moment to,it's fullest - taking the biys on as many outings as possible..

Last soccer games, last TBAll games, last Play dates

It's down to the wire now and I feel so sad

I havent always loved it here,

But this past year has been epic. 

I finally have felt as though we are settled in. Not new comers

I can go anywhere and run into someone I know

I know all the best spots for a hike, a run, a playground on a sunny day. I know what restaurants have toys and games for the boys to play

I have learned that on most evenings in the spring and fall, I should wear many layers because we could possible experience - rain, sun, heat and cold and sometimes, even snow..all in a weekend

MY BABY'S 100th DAY OF KINDEGARTEN

I can NOT believe how fast this is happening! It was just 3 years ago that he was turning 3! and now he is a BOY- growing up so fast- faster then the speed of light- it- goes by- so so fast! 
Here is a slideshow from his Kindegarten Blog of all the class celebrating the 100th day of school

<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" border="0" bgcolor="#ffffff"><tr><td><a href="http://smilebox.com/play/4d7a55324d7a41784e6a6b3d0d0a&blogview=true&campaign=blog_playback_link" target="_blank"><img width="420" height="330" alt="Click to play this Smilebox slideshow" src="http://smilebox.com/snap/4d7a55324d7a41784e6a6b3d0d0a.jpg" style="border: medium none ;"/></a></td></tr><tr><td><a href="http://www.smilebox.com/?partner=smileboxa&campaign=blog_snapshot" target="_blank"><img width="420" height="46" alt="Create your own slideshow - Powered by Smilebox" src="http://www.smilebox.com/globalImages/blogInstructions/blogLogoSmilebox.gif" style="border: medium none ;"/></a></td></tr><tr><td align="center">This <a href="http://www.smilebox.com/slideshows.html" target="_blank">free digital slideshow</a> customized with Smilebox</td></tr></table>

Diabetes..annoying

Oh vey!! Sigh....
Today was one of those days...
I woke up
Ow- 68
Afte coffee and banana- I was 60- had 4 glucose tabs and was finally able to go for my normal run
Got home was 130-okay
30 minutes later- I'm 58 again- uggg
This pattern goes on and on all day
Just now - almost 10 at night- I'm tucking my babies into bed and I felt dizzy and off- checked blood and 42???? Grrrrrr

Today- as I drove to my sons school for my usual volunteering with his second grade class- where the kids read to me during their reading workshop..I slipped a little shiny star shaped Medellin into my pocket that said YOU ARE MY LUCKY STAR -(something I picked up a few years back) *similar to the one i have attached here

And after being buzzed into the school (something that has only been in place since the shootings in Connecticut last December) I walked the halls of both my boys elementary school and into my sons class. 
I started reading with my son ( I cant help but to always pick him first) and as he started reading to me from his Magic tree house book- I slipped the star into his hand and told him to always hold it close to his heart any time he wanted to feel loved/safe/ of close to me
At that same moment- his teacher came and told me that we would be having a safety drill and to just be prepared that that was going to occur during the majority of my time in the class.
So at 10:40 we all lined up- and were ushered into a small supply closet in the back of another room. Doors were locked and the lights turned out.
I was overcome by emotion as I sat - locked into this room with My sons teacher- a para educator and 16 first and second graders. All in the dark- trying to keep them all as quiet as possible..the children all full of questions..and with little explanation- we just stood there- in the dark..and my mind raced- remembering all the details of the mass shooting in Connecticut where 20 children were killed. I remember hearing stories of one class who hid in a supply closet and were spared because of the teachers diligence and their smart safety skills.
It felt so real being locked in that room with all these sweet - young children. And IT TOOK EVERYTHING i had- to make myself not get overwhelmed by emotion- love for these kids- admiration for the teachers and school staff that everyday care for our babies and put themselves in this uncertain- scary realm that we love in today. 
As I tried to remain calm in that dark closet- finally the teacher found a flash light..and it was then, that I saw my son, sitting in the back next to his friends- rubbing that silver star over and over in his hands

FAMILY MEETINGS

I read a great article in parents magazine while at the gym the other day- and it really had a amazing impact on my family.
The article can be found at
http://www.parents.com/kids/discipline/strategies/22-minute-discipline-solution/
that link above

but what it did for my family was amazing- t gave everyone such a feeling of ownership- of belonging- of being listened to- I cant believe it.

To start I have a 5 and 8 year old boys- my husband works all the time and i am basically a crazed single mom Monday through Friday. And up until a few months ago- we wernt doing a good job of conducting ourselves as role models or- creating a stable and safe feeling home.
I don't know what has changed- but slowly- we have been able to act more as a unit - and to argue less- help each other out more- and just function better
then.. I read this article at the gym while working out- and I shared it with my sweet little family Friday night- and everyone was SO excited! I could see my husbands face light up- as I described how each person could express any concerns- or wishes- or even just positive thoughts along- to be shared/discussed amongst the family.
It gave everyone a feeling of connection and having a important "ROLE" in the family
instead of " DAD" ruling the work force and "MOM" ruling the home
it makes things more equal for everyone...
because after all- it takes all of us to make our family whole
and without a voice- the equilibrium is off balance

anyway- it may not be earth shattering- ..but it felt good- and I know it made all my loves feel happy and like they were a important part of this family
and that is sooo important to me

Cabin fever

Ughhhh
This winter is driving me insane
Feb1st and no snow..45 and rain
Every week this whole winter, we have had the same weather pattern, colddddd..tiny snow..then one day of warm blast with rain that wipes it all away
I can't stand it
As a parent..it's getting very depressing
I can't remember the last time we saw the sun..and usually, as long as there is snow, I can take the boys out and go skating, sledding, skiing, snow shooing, building snow forts..
This winter..we have had none of it..one day of sledding, one day of skating, a tiny but of skiing thanks to man made snow..
But no playing in the snow
And when it's just cold and grey, there is noting to do outside!!!! And we're going crazy of the in doors...there is really not much to do in our area, inside..
Aghhhhhh
I know this is the usual low for this time of year
And I'm thankful that I'm finally feeling better..
And I'm thankful that hubs and I are feeling the love again..that's HUGE
But, ever since November we have had blah..grey cold, blah weather..and its going to last until April
So I can only hope that sometime between now and then , we get some big blasts of snow..to keep us All sane


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Location:Isham Cir,Williston,United States